Tuesday, March 17, 2015

A new low for me

It has been a while since I have written on here. Life has been a little hectic to say the least. Since the new year we have been so busy with appointments for Reese and I.

Update on our little miss Reese:

Since about ten months old I noticed she had been pulling at her ears more and more and the pediatrician saw fluid on both ears. That in combination with a speech delay sent us to get her hearing tested. She had some mild hearing loss. So we saw an ENT doctor and she had ear tubes placed a week ago.  The procedure was a bit rough for Reese, she ended up with an IV and a breathing tube which is not usual. But she was still able to go home the same day. That whole process took a few months. Before the tubes were placed we got Reese involved with Theraplay and Early Intervention for speech. She hasn't made much progress. Which leads me to think the ears weren't her only problem. I guess I have been blind to some other symptoms until the last few weeks. Her communication is very weak. She does not say any words, she does not wave or point. She has complete temper tantrums (more than your average toddler). Reese also struggles with severe anxiety surrounding separation from me, crowds or public places. I am really starting to think she is on the Autism Spectrum. She will flap her arms with stress, rock from one foot to the other at times, spin in circles, walk with her chest out and head held high, swing her arms back and forth and turn her head side to side. At times I can't get her attention and she is in her own world. Shorty after she was born I remember the doctor being concerned about her head circumference. She kept measuring a bit big. So we would have to keep going back and having it rechecked, until we eventually got a head ultrasound which was normal. After the "normal head ultrasound" I pretty much stopped worrying about it. But now I feel so so so stupid for that. Because they had in her chart this whole time the diagnosis of "Macrocephaly." I never even thought of that alone potentially causing a problem for Reese, especially after a normal HUS. How could I not think this was a problem? I am a nurse, I should know these things. I did have plenty of people telling me not to worry and that Reese was fine.... but I should have known otherwise. Did I miss other delays she has? I still feel very alone in this whole thing. Most people I talk to tell me I am over thinking things. I haven't talked to many people about it, basically only my wife and mom. I don't want to label Reese, and I don't want to advertise this. But I know now I am not over thinking things. I've spent the last two days pretty much a crying mess. I feel terrible, like I got punched in the gut. To think that my precious baby is trapped inside of her head, that kills me. It feels almost like a grieving process. I don't want to sounds ungrateful or pitiful. I will love her no matter what. But I feel terrible guilt. Did I do something wrong? Did the IVF cause this? Did something happen in pregnancy or delivery? Is she lacking something I could've given her? Can I handle this? These are the things that make question God... Why?

I am scared shitless. I don't know what her future holds. Autism has a very wide array of functions. Will she be high function? I am hopeful. I want to do anything and everything I need to do in order to get her the best possible treatment. And by treatment I mean intervention, because Autism is one of those very misunderstood and untreatable diagnosis'. Yes, I am freaking out.. can you tell? I do need people to tell me I am doing everything I can, like my daughter's EI teacher did this morning. I just hope I can get out of this funk, because it is certainly not going to help my situation. We are making changes, swim class (she loves it), gymnastics (which she hates but we may change it to something else), limiting TV if she gets it at all (she gets sucked in), trying to get her to play with us rather than by herself,  etc. It's a start. We have also talked about daycare for her development.

But my BEAUTIFUL baby girl is doing awesome, she is healthy and smart and that's all that really matters to me. She has so much love for those close to her and Chris and I love her to pieces. She is our everything and nothing will change that. She is literally still attached to breast feeding but we are weaning to 1 to 2 times a day.

Aside from all of that our family as a whole is doing pretty well. I am still having issues with my heart. I went to see a new cardiologist yesterday and he referred me to a electrophysiologist that will do an AFIB ablation. So that may be in my near future. My biggest issue is that I am overweight and I want to exercise but every time I try my heart goes into irregular rhythms. No medications have helped... so we shall see. I think it's all about risks versus benefits.... like life itself lol.

Here are some updated pictures :)




She loves my turkey meatballs


 Right before her tubes

On the way homes from her tubes, she threw up right after that lol

At the local park yesterday

At gymnastics today


Friday, January 2, 2015

13 months old, wow!

I can't believe the little baby that grew inside of me is now a big bad one year old. She is such a ball of fire. She brightens my day, I think we will keep her. 

She is still nursing, twice a day and weaning. 

Most recently she had a GI Bug on Christmas! It was rough but we got through it. She didn't understand the whole Christmas thing anyway. But I will post those pictures another post. She is non stop on the move. And definitely trying to break rules lol. Here are some pictures of our TODDLER! 






Wednesday, December 3, 2014

It's been a while!



I've been a terrible blogger! But life has been busy to say the least. Reese is one year old!! She's doing awesome. She walks all over the place. She has quite the temper like a toddler. She is weaning off of the breast which has been a bit trying. She wants what she wants, stubborn like me. I can not believe its been a full year! What happened to my peanut?! That "peanut" is not 26lbs 14oz and 28" long. 

Her are some photos from the last few months. 






Saturday, July 5, 2014

Reese is 7 months!

Wow time is flying. Reese is just over 7 months now! Still going strong with breastfeeding! My supply hasn't been the best lately but I'm hanging in there! 

Reese has 5 almost 6 teeth now. The teething monster has fully taken over! She has been waking in the middle of the night for nothing but comfort, poor baby. She is also standing against objects like a big girl. She wants to move so bad but can't yet lol. I've been terrible at updating! She had some 6 month photos done but I don't have them on my phone. Here are some recent photos:









Thursday, May 15, 2014

Reese 5.5 months

 Ah, it's been a while. But all is well. Reese is getting so big! She is officially a sitter. And now has two bottom teeth! She is quite the little babbler too, she says Mama when she is upset lol. And just like her mommy she is a feisty little girl sometimes. But still a GREAT sleeper! 





Still breastfeeding and pumping. I started to donate milk since I have so much in the freezer and the woman just pays a little bit towards my pump rental, so it works out well. I've been really struggling emotionally with working full time. It's really hard for me to work three 12 hour nights with such a long commute. I'm feeling defeated because we can't afford for me to go part time. I miss my baby while at work and I just wish I could go without sleep during the day so I can spend time with her. C and I have been exploring other options to try and fix my frustrations. The hard part is I don't know what I want more day shift or part time. I'm sure it will work out though. 

I promise to update with her 6 months pictures. It's so crazy how time flies. And I love seeing all the other blogger babies grow!

Monday, March 31, 2014

Baby girl 4 months old!

Baby girl is 4 months old as of yesterday! We tried homemade bananas with breastmilk and she loved it!